1. Would you like to hang out at the mall on Sunday. Additional awkwardness if I have company already and didnt invite the drop-inner. Keep it to ones self, I say. As always, excellent advice Captain! But as a baseline, I would never assume its okay to interrupt you for social reasons during the time when you are engaged in meeting your professional responsibilities to your employer.. Ha, I grew up in a similar neighborhood culture- but in kind of a hippie community where there were few fences and a lot of windows. My parents chewed me out in the car when they came to get me for inviting myself over to someones home (which I was already in and had been asked if I wanted to stay). When I get back into the world we wont be able to do spur of the moment stuff any more either, but my real friends understand that, and also respect my need for privacy. For me I think a lot of it is upbringing. Im also a huge introvert, but I dont care if people show up at my work because work is People Time. She may ask you to pass her her bag or move around you to get her bag. When Ive broached the subject in a nonconfrontational way (using similar language) in the hopes of opening up a dialogue, I am always met with some version of, No problem, Im just busy with stuff. Well, is he Northern European or from the Northeast Atlantic Archipelago? It still doesnt necessarily reflect your relationship with someone though. Much communication later, of course, things were happier. Also, hard as it may be to swallow, sometimes the person we think of as our best friend doesnt consider us to be *their* best friend. Im personally a massive introvert and dont really like house guests much at all, but I always thought it was on me to deal with that, not to expect other people not to do things like ask to come over and so I thought the LWs friend was being a bit harsh in reprimanding her rather than just stating her personal boundaries. Suddenly and without warning, she was acting like wearing the right thing to an event and sending a thank-you note on the right stationery was the most important thing. Cookie Notice Walk up to my door Im getting married in a little over 4 weeks (OMG OMG 4 WEEKS PANIC!!!) Sometimes right as I was getting home from work. A quick I just got my new bike at that shop down the street, do you have a few minutes to tell me how awesome it is? call or text would probably have been better, had you but known. To the surprise of literally zero Captain Awkward readers, using words turned out to be what most people wanted! Im in the neighborhood. This tactic has become so commonplace that many police departments counsel residents to always answer the door via intercom or by asking what the visitor wants (while keeping the door closed). Im in the area. Is asking. B: Nice to see you! *deep breaths* It was obvious she was expecting an invite, but shes not a friend an acquaintance at best. My life doesnt accommodate drop-ins, and if any of my friends did that, Id ask them not to. Should I go or not? Until one evening when I kind of rebelled against it by lingering for five or ten minutes and ignoring the cues to get out. They may have to deal with a tag along dragging down their group. In-laws decided to visit. I am an introvert. Or by initiating contact in some other way? My neighbour especially has people just wandering in and tapping at her kitchen window or joining the party on the stoop. My own perspective is that if a person just shows up at my house, not only am I going to pretend I am not at home, but I will also be demoting them several degrees in our relationship. ", (The classic indirect way) "Oh, that sounds like it'll be fun" (and hope they get the hint and formally invite you. I dont have kids, and every once in a while I experience culture shock when other people talk about kid things. Your presence will glorify this party. When I really wanted to connect with someone, I used to read the soft no as a problem that I could solve, like, Oh, thats not a problem, I can come to you instead! I will deliver the free comic books to your house, along with ice cream, and that random vacuum cleaner part you once mentioned in passing that you needed! I looked at the reason for the refusal and ignored that it was a refusal.. Me: Probably.. I just feel like it's a bit rude without even asking N's mom to come over (We are still in high school, so we still live with parents) I would never want to interrupt anything N's mom has going on at her house that day. (or text) I may not be able to, either due to existing plans, or lack of remaining energy for interacting with humans. The enthusiastic feeling that the Christmas holidays bring is irreplaceable. But I fight against that urge, because, if they are going to be my friend, they might as well see my clutter up front and be okay with it. If someone in your social circle is throwing a. We told each other everything. In my experience, No Soliciting signs are ineffective. Im also somewhat cluttered in my personal space but keep most of the house relatively tidy, though thats partly because I live with someone else so theyre public spaces anyway. Let them know! I think big expensive things get a pass on the discussing in front of others thing. For many of the situations below it was generally agreed you shouldn't invite yourself along: A big factor in whether inviting yourself may be acceptable are the traits of the person putting the outing together, as well as the other people who are attending: There's no real trick to asking if you can come along to a get together. That could take 15 min, and it doesnt save me any time! By rejecting non-essential cookies, Reddit may still use certain cookies to ensure the proper functionality of our platform. The people who ask and then sulk/whine/wheedle when they hear nothats a big red flag. Sigh. The following conversation ensued: *grrr* still stinging from getting stood up repeatedly by two separate people (for different events) last fall. We slept at one anothers houses. Before you ask, think about your personal or business privacy concerns. You can also see how they react to other people, and if they have a constant stream of drop ins when youre over, or are OK with saying no when asked or setting limits on drop ins without squirming with discomfort. But something like a board game night or a party where everybody but one person was invited, yeah Id avoid that because it seems mean. ? And its always after the fact so by the time theyre talking about the next outing theyve forgotten all about how I used my words before, and Im just as uncomfortable inviting myself along as always. I am so so glad I never lived in those days, and that people who know me understand that Hello friend, I am here now, drop the thing you were doing and climb stairs and corral pets and get dressed if you werent wearing something street-appropriate and break your focus because after all, it will only be for a chat on the front porch! does not fill me with joy. We dont have to call their entire history of the LWs actions being appropriate or not into question. People Have neighbors. Just wanted to say that as someone with a (diagnosed) anxiety disorder and various other other mental health issues who had their teen years in those days/that sort of a culture, I also miss them. You know this, Im sure, but do not invite yourself to the baby shower. Actually, I think you really nailed it with !Plus it can feel for me like, whoa, are you going to do this a lot? Something that we have found interesting in many of these cases is that women generally tend to play dumber for guys. If someone hosts a party, Im tired, is a pretty universal sign to wrap things up. I interpreted the person youre responding to as talking about the idea that your house has to be pinterest-worthy before guests can enter it, which I resonated with. Visitors were expressly invited for a set time and there was a full house spring clean the day before. She suffers from anxiety and depression so I understand why this is but finding a balance between pestering her and having any contact at all is proving hard. however. People in my life have been annoyed I dont come to something when they know I was in the room when they were talking about it. I think I feel like the confirmation text allows for that while still letting me save face if those fears are realized? And when I started to get actually good social advice (this was just the start), talking about feelings and thoughts and using your brain for meta-cognition about emotions turned out to be what most people thought of as really good communication not training wheels or compensation for lack of real communication skills, but a highly sought-after ability. Not everyone is commfortable having other people see the house in that state (and if you only just about have the spoons to manage those basics, you probably dont have the spoons to entertain anyone else, much less do extra baking or bothering with fancy soaps). Back in high school when I lived in that neighborhood, people would more often than not wait in their cars unless they wanted to stop in and chat before we went wherever we were going). It makes me feel good. Them:I want to see What We Do In The Shadows., You:Me too. Since I became bedbound Ive had to have my parents here, in my house. He isnt a part of me, you know, hes another person that you can invite or not, and Im not a mind reader to know you want him there unless you, well, say so specifically. Wait for me to open the door and join you. It doesn't have to. I end up resenting friend for this, and end up putting off responding to the initial inquiry. might no longer be. Id MUCH rather have a conversation like: THEM: We missed you at [that Thing], why didnt you come? I think, overall, this is one of those situations where theres no one solution, like Everyone Must Always Call In Advance And Schedule Plans And Never Drop By. If its someone I havent seen in a while who is finally back in town and a surprise its both good and bad. Which might be fine, but might feel invasive depending on your relationship with the person (I frequently carpool with people I dont know well, who Im in no way on a visiting each others houses kind of relationship with). Usually when Ive asked for clarification about why a relationship is changing, the answer Ive gotten has been, Because of AMBIGUOUS FEELINGS, stop asking and leave me alone, sometimes with a helping of, YOU ARE DOING SOMETHING WRONG. And, like, sometimes you ARE doing something wrong and you can change that, but sometimes the person is going through something else that is causing stress or possibly something about you that you cant change is tipping them off in a way they cant explain, and by pushing them for reasons youre just going to force them to pick out a reason and the easiest one is to blame it on you. We were working adults with careers, although not particularly demanding ones. I wish Id done that when this happened to me. Don't expect him to have everything you need. A guy may not even realize you want to spend time with him at his place until you bring it up. If people arent showing up at your door because theyre worried its rude, you just have to let your friends know its okay: I love visitors, so feel free to drop by if youre ever in the area. My friends had it even worse with a guy who would show up at their house literally hours early. And when someone turns up unannounced, without invitation, I do worry that the person might have a wildly different balance of needs to me, and that responding positively the first time sets up a precedent and an understanding that I am Cool With That. Indeed. You could mention that you have a commitment after and will need to leave his place by a given time. Expecting brutal honesty from others merely because one isnt socially adept is expecting too much. I like offering (and getting) a friendly out so that nobody feels pressured to miss, say, their favoritest band ever thats playing a special last-minute-announced show just because we had plans to sit around watching TV. Necessarily reflect your relationship with someone though ask them not to, Reddit may still certain... Introvert, but shes not a friend an acquaintance at best one isnt socially is... In the Shadows., you: me too No Soliciting signs are ineffective there was a refusal..:... 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